Goth/Industrial Nights in Portland, OR

Thought I should point out different goth/industrial nights around Portland that I've attended. These are events that happen regularly.

These events are all 21+

The Lovecraft Bar
Doesn't really belong in the category of goth/industrial nights, because technically every night is goth night at The Lovecraft Bar. You can check out their calendar to see if they have any bands playing or DJs spinning music to a specific taste. You don't have to be a fan of HP Lovecraft, but you'll appreciate the decorations a lot more if you are familiar with the author. They have a nice intimate space with a small enough dance floor that you probably won't feel awkward if it's just you and your date dancing.
I recommend the "Vortex" nights on Thursdays. Tuesdays with DJ Rhienna are good too, but I'm not really into witch house, which is part of the mix that night. Also, check out goth show and tell if you can. You don't have to participate, but it does last for a couple of hours so be prepared to listen quietly and respectfully if you show up for that event.

Shadowplay at Fez
Huge dance floor, with plenty of comfortable seating. If you come before 11, don't count on many people being there, but the place peaks just after midnight and it is really something to be on that floor surrounded by black-clad hotties of all genders. Just putting it out there, I am single and I like to be surrounded by hot people. When I have gone, they have mostly played a mix of industrial and EBM, but sometimes new wave and gothic rock get tossed into the mix.

Another awesome thing to know about this event is that it happens on Thursday nights, at the same time that Boxxes has $1 wells. Right now Boxxes is being renovated, and so they are conveniently renting space at Fez and are located on the floor below Shadowplay. If you want $1 wells, just walk down a flight of stairs and you can get your cheap drink on. Back upstairs the drinks are $4, if memory serves me, but they have a heavy pour. So it's up to you.

Church of Hive at Star Theater
Similar to Shadowplay, in terms of the crowd peaking around midnight or later. The dance floor is much smaller than Shadowplay, but it's a good size. In my opinion, DJs play a much wider range of genres from the goth music family tree at Hive, but it depends on the DJ and the requests people are making, too. Drinks are in the $4-$7 range, and very tasty. You can get a nice meal if you go onto the patio as well. You smokers can have your cancer sticks by a fire pit. Hive happens every Sunday night.

Embers
Honestly, I don't know if Embers still has goth/industrial nights. If someone out there knows and could tell me in the comments, I'd be willing to go there and check it out.
I used to go to Embers for g/i nights on Wednesdays, back in 2009. They charged a $5 cover, which was really annoying because it meant I had much less money to spend on drinks and tips.
Part of what I liked about this venue was that the walls were covered in mirrors and there were dancing cages. I know that sounds cheesy to some, but I guess my tastes are cheesy. At the time they also had drag nights in the front room of Embers, which meant that if you were tired of dancing you could see some cool drag. One was particularly memorable and awesome, I think she was Christeene Vale, the drag terrorist. Of course, all this information is worthless if they're not even doing g/i nights anymore...



I have not been to all of the goth/industrial nights in Portland. I've never been to Gothique BLEND, which happens every Monday night at The Analog, but I'd love to check it out. It seems like it's different from the other goth events around town—I assume that this one is all about the performers, not so much about a dj and a dancefloor. If you know of any other events that I haven't listed, please let me know about them! I love getting out.

Insanely Delicious Vegan Gluten-Free Cheese

 This is not an original recipe, but I substituted enough ingredients that I thought it merited an actual blog post. The original recipe can be found here, at Sweet Roots blog. Check out that blog, by the way, for more super delicious vegan, gluten-free foods such as baked oatmeal.

I'm telling you about this cheese because it is so delicious and really easy to make. Even if  you don't follow the measurements exactly and roughly throw ingredients in based on the flavors you prefer, it's going to turn out delicious. Mine tastes just like cheddar, but with a hint of coconut and spicy peppers. If you don't like the taste of coconut, you won't like this cheese. It's not super strong, but I guarantee you will notice the coconut flavor. I think part of the reason this cheese tastes so much better than any vegan cheese I've yet tasted on the market is because the coconut gives it the satisfying fat that dairy cheese would have, while also being meltable.

I ended up substituting most of the ingredients because I do not have the time or money to go out and buy agar agar flakes, white balsamic vinegar, tapioca starch, or liquid smoke, especially considering that I would only be using a small portion of each for this recipe. I also didn't have paprika, so I made do with cayenne. I used comparable ingredients that I had on hand. In my opinion, Bragg's apple cider vinegar and liquid aminos are much healthier than white balsamic vinegar and liquid smoke anyway.

The Sweet Roots Version:

2 cans coconut milk (full fat, thai kitchen brand prefered)
3 T agar flakes *(see notes below if using agar powder - I primarily use powder now)
1 t white balsamic vinegar
4 T tapioca starch
1 t smoked paprika
1/4 t liquid smoke
2 t sea salt
1/4 c nutritional yeast flakes (optional but definitely gives it more cheesy-ness) - UPDATE
Pinch of turmeric (for more authentic cheese color - optional)

1. Boil coconut milk until no longer seperated. Add white balsamic vinegar, agar flakes, and salt. Boil gently for 15. * (no need to boil 15 minutes if using agar agar powder)
2. Add remaining ingredients, one at a time. Whisking all the while! Cook another 5-10 minutes.
3. Remove from pan and put in greased, flat-bottomed glass dish or parchment paper lined loaf pan.
4. Let cool two hours. You can also stick in fridge when cool and use the next day. Slice and enjoy! (If it's refridgerated, you can actually grate it. It's a little slippery though and easier to just slice).

Ingredients I used:

2 cans full fat coconut milk
1 tsp xantham gum
1 tsp Bragg's Apple Cider Vinegar
4 tsp Bob's Red Mill general purpose gluten free flour
1 tsp cayenne
1 tsp Bragg's Liquid Aminos
2 tsp salt
1/4 c nutritional yeast flakes

It's probably not necessary to use agar agar or xantham gum. You might be able to get away with corn starch in a pinch, or nothing at all to gel it if you boil for 15 minutes.

You can probably tell that I don't know anything about cooking, so I'm sure some people will look at my measurements and cringe at the proportions of flour to xantham gum, which I assume are wrong. But I judged by how the cheese texture felt while I was cooking it, and it turned out just fine. If you are also an imprecise cook, you can at least benefit from my experience. Mad Scientist Kitchen.

Jude Buffum's Infographics

Jude Buffum
Heritage Beast

I came across Jude Buffum's illustrated infographic, Heritage Beast, in Data Flow 2 and made my way to her website.

I immediately found it striking based purely on the content, which is an excellent narrative about the rendering of animal parts into consumer products. Although I do not know how this was originally intended to be received, I think it is effective at demonstrating the extent to which so many of our modern conveniences rely upon using just a small fraction of animal bi-product.

I am also impressed by Buffum's ability to narrate purely through illustration. No words are necessary to describe the story happening here, because the diagram is so clear and unambiguous. It is clean and matter-of-fact in the information it presents. The icons are immediately recognizable.

It would be hasty to jump to conclusions about whether or not this infograph is advocating veganism, but I do see symbolism here which gives me cause to wonder. The cattle is placed at the top of the tree, its body taking up nearly a third of the diagram, with a golden background. Immediately this calls to mind religious iconography, particularly related to Hinduism. I may be reading too far into this, but in addition to the cow, the color saffron is sacred in Hinduism as the color of holy men and ascetics. One can debate forever the intentions of an artist, but whether or not Buffum was aware of the relationship of religious iconography to her infographic, there is still an underlying message of sacrifice inherent to this illustration.

Jude Buffum
The Condensed LA Guide

While browsing her website, I came across another set of infographics, but unfortunatley I found this one problematic.

The Condensed LA Guide is a set of three infographics created for a section of LA Magazine, as a guide to local dating spots. The first two illustrations feature stereotypical couples within particular subcultures. There is "Player Meets Player," for young, wealthy, hip couples into the Hollywood scene. There is "May Meets December," for an older generation which is basically an older version of "Player Meets Player." Then there is "Man Meets Man," and the illustration is of a bear and a cub or otter, with most of the surrounding icons featuring men in leather chaps or bondage gear.

While obviously all of the illustrations are meant to be humorous, "Man Meets Man" stands out as being more ostracizing and extreme in its caricatures than the other two illustrated couples. This is partly because they are the only couple represented that is not heteronormative, and partly because the title makes a sweeping generalization about queer men. So even if Buffum was playfully making a jab at a particular gay subculture, it came across as a blanket statement about all male couples in LA. The joke would not have been offensive if the title had been more specific to a subculture, like the other two were, and said something like "Bear Meets Cub," or "Daddy Meets Twink." "Man Meets Man" does not refer to a subculture, therefore it is offensive to assign one to it.

In general, though, I think that Buffum's infographics are worthy of study for any graphic designer. She has mastered the art of balancing image with text, and is excellent at visually narrating data in ways that are relevant and provide insight to the topic.

These pinned to a sash with a nice beret would make a fabulous fashion statement.

It's the choo choo train

The choo choo train happens to be a white, phallic aircraft of some sort. Best you not think too hard about this. Sit back, open your ear holes, and enjoy. Remember, one day we will all be dead. Especially you.

My DVD Collection is for Weirdos

Looking for a movie to watch while I prepare to put my zine together, a compilation of stories about nightmares and sleep disorders, I pawed through my DVD collection and noticed that it's weird. On their own, none of the DVDs is especially weird necessarily, but put together they make it obvious that my taste is generally macabre, or if not macabre, at least nihilistic.

Here is a list:

Aqua Teen Hunger Force, Vol. 1
Black Swan
Blade
Cube
Enemy Mine
Firefly, The Complete Series
Girl, Interrupted
Heathers
Hedwig and The Angry Inch
Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows, Part 2
Kill Bill, both volumes
Labyrinth
Margaret Cho: I'm The One That I Want
Matrix
Neon Genesis Evangelion
Noriko's Dinner Table
Princess Mononoke
Pulp Fiction
Sarah Silverman: Jesus is Magic
Serial Experiments Lain
She's The Man
Suicide Club
The Hunger Games
The Last Unicorn
Zombieland

No wonder I never have dates over! All of the movies I own are too introspective, and often too gruesome to watch with a date. They're not even reliable as background for making out, because who really wants their kissing to be interrupted every five minutes by horrible screams of people being dismembered, or by Margaret Cho detailing her fisting experiences?

This isn't even a complete list of what I own. I left out the Amazon Instant videos I own, which includes all of the other Harry Potter movies, Pitch Black, Hard Candy, and Mary Antoinette (this is a partial list). Who wants to make out to a fourteen year-old girl castrating a pedophile, or another fourteen year-old girl desperately trying to get laid so her marriage won't be annulled? I had a date over to watch some Harry Potter once, but that really didn't set the mood and she drank until she nearly passed out.

I'm not even sure what kind of movies would set the mood, but the main point here is that I don't really have a collection which would inspire people to hang out and watch movies at my apartment. I'd be willing to take suggestions for happy-fun-times movies.

In Defense of Sansa Stark

beautiful fan art borrowed from
http://elia-illustration.deviantart.com

The more that I read A Song of Ice and Fire, the more I grow to love Sansa Stark. Her character was utterly repulsive to me at first, I must confess, in part because of how cruel she could be to Arya for her lack of interest in traditional femininity, and also because of her stubborn, naive fantasies of chivalry and romance. Her character, initially, is the perfect embodiment and reflection of the fantasy of a romantic patriarchal medieval era: she believes fully in chivalry, "true knights," marrying the beautiful, good prince, duty, honor and romance. Watching Sansa move through Westeros allows us to see that same fantasy deconstructed: for while Sansa herself maintains her honor and kindness, it quickly becomes clear that the fantasy itself is opposed to the brutal reality of such a patriarchal world. The knights are neither chivalrous nor true, the prince is a sadist, duty and honor can get you killed, and there is no place for romance.

I would also direct your attention to this Feminist Fiction blog post, In Defense of Sansa Stark, which succinctly describes the heart of the reason why most fans detest Sansa, and how this related entirely to her being a woman and embracing her gender. To quote,

She has spent her life in the cold castle of the North, dreaming of stories of tournaments and beauty in the south. Because people want her to be that way. That is how they think the ideal young woman should be. And it almost destroys her. Worse, it brings the reader’s hatred down on her, because even though women are told they are only “good” if they fit into this role, the role itself is seen as weak, manipulative, stupid and generally inferior. It is the Catch 22 of being a woman, both in Westeros and in our own world: no matter what you do, you are criticized, especially if you don’t act like Arya Stark and fight to become “one of the boys.”

  Indeed, because of her femininity and her fantasies, Sansa Stark is subjected to both the hatred of readers and characters within the novels. She is mockingly called a "pretty little bird" by multiple members of the court, and subjected to torture at the hands of her once-beloved prince. The only characters who have sympathy for Sansa are the ones who have themselves been subjected to ample mockery and treachery, and have an appreciation for her honest kindness—I'm speaking here of the Hound and Tyrion (I wouldn't count Petyr Baelish as sympathetic, because he has other motivations). Fans of the series often despise her because she isn't as masculine and scrappy as her sister Arya (subject to ire in Westeros for not being feminine enough, but admired by fans in our world for her masculinity). Part of the problem with this is love of Arya and hatred of Sansa is that the same fans may fail to see how the sister's stories are very similar in the course that they take, mirroring each other in a sense. Both are taken to court and discover brutal truths (and lies) there, both must learn to arm themselves (Arya with swords, Sansa with words), (SPOILER) both escape King's Landing and must disguise and discard their identities (end spoiler), both dream of returning to Winterfell and of revenge on their enemies. For Sansa, life is rough in Westeros, but she perseveres and continues to grow as a character while maintaining her integrity, which cannot be said of many other characters beloved by fans.


Speaking of desire for revenge on one's enemies, Sansa has a particular and unusual strength in this area, because her enemies are also her captors. What I mean is that Sansa Stark never appears to succumb to Stockholm Syndrome, unlike so many other characters. Some characters who do appear to have Stockholm Syndrome to varying degrees include: Daenerys Targaryen (with Khal Drogo), Osha (with Bran), Jon Snow (with the wildlings), Jaime Lannister (with Brienne), Theon Greyjoy (Ramsay), and innumerable people who were "saved" by Daenerys. Sansa Stark, however she might pretend to love her captors, in her thoughts she never, never feels sympathy for any of them, not even Tyrion, and always dreams of seeing them come to a bitter end. This is not to suggest that victims should be blamed for their psychological problems or that they are weak, only that it is curious that Sansa Stark is considered so weak when she displays such singular strength of character and conviction.

Thus, I feel that Sansa is much deeper and more interesting than she is usually given credit for. Admittedly, in Game of Thrones her character is difficult to sympathize with because so much of Sansa's growth happens through internal thoughts which can't easily be depicted on screen. I'm excited to see what happens in the next book, and I have high hopes for how well she might be depicted in the fourth season of Game of Thrones.


Off topic, but does anyone else ship Sansa and Brienne? Hello damsel in distress, meet your true knight!

Information and My Experience with Isotretinoin/Accutane

Although this blog is devoted to my inane ramblings, I want to use this space as a forum to tell you about something serious. This post will be devoted to the drug isotretinoin, a.k.a Accutane, specifically explaining my experience with the treatment and offering words of caution.

Isotretinoin is a drug which is prescribed (primarily) by dermatologists, in order to treat a particular form of severe acne, called cystic nodular acne.  CNA is disfiguring, and both physically and emotionally painful to endure. My experience was that even thick makeup wouldn't disguise the large purple spots all over my face, and would usually result in more creeping up.

I had acne since puberty, like many people, but it only developed into CNA when I turned 19 years old. As a teenager I was treated for my acne with some fairly common drugs, such as retin-A, antibiotics and salicylic acid, all of which were effective for the type of acne I had at the time. Once I developed CNA, those treatments had no effect whatsoever, which is why I decided to visit a dermatologist and figure out what was going on.

My dermatologist told me about CNA, and said that unfortunately, there is only one known effective treatment for this skin condition—isotretinoin. The treatment typically lasts for 6 months, and involves taking the medication on schedule three times a day. She cautioned me that this is an extremely dangerous medication, and that at the time (2010), activists were lobbying to have the drug removed from the market completely due to a high number of fatalities and extremely abnormal side effects. She told me that the drug is considered to be at least as dangerous as chemotherapy.

She asked about my personal and family history of asthma, liver disease, diabetes, heart disease, osteoperosis, food allergies, mental problems, and anorexia. I won't detail all of my family/personal history, but I will say that there are basically two reasons why this history is important.

1) During the course of treatment, isotretinoin is known to temporarily raise cholesterol levels to a level that is high, sometimes dangerously so.

2) Isotretinoin may cause serious mental health problems, including depression, psychosis, and suicide.

Not playing around, both are highly dangerous and common side effects of the treatment, particularly if you have any personal history whatsoever of #2. According to this review published in 2005,

Between 1982 and 2000 the FDA has received reports of 394 cases of depression, and 37 suicides occurring in patients exposed to isotretinoin.^7,20 It is the fifth most common drug reported to the US Adverse Event Reporting System (AERS) in association with depression, and the tenth most common (and the only non-psychotropic drug) in suicide reports.⁷ In Canada...²¹ — 56 events between 1983 and 2003.²² Forty-two psychiatric reactions were reported to the British Medicines Control Agency between 1982 and 1998,²³ including a small number of suicides.²⁴ In Australia from 1995 to 1998 the Adverse Drug Reactions Advisory Committee received 12 reports of depression in patients taking isotretinoin.²⁵ Two cases were described as severe, in four there were psychotic features, in three there was suicidal ideation and there were three suicide attempts (with one completed suicide).

The review states that, at the time, there was "no clear proof of an association," but I still think that these figures are worth noting for anyone with a history of mental health problems who is considering taking this drug.

I do have a long history of depression, and a history of suicidal ideation, but I told my dermatologist that this was not a huge concern for me, because I could recognize the warning signs and would get help if necessary. If I could go back, I would have set up regular sessions with a counselor immediately after being prescribed this drug, but I was foolish and prone to making dangerous decisions at the time. I eventually developed symptoms of psychotic suicidal depression ( yes, not one, but all three problems you're warned about combined!) , but I never did seek out help for my problems because I didn't see that I was experiencing anything abnormal, and my relationships and overall health suffered severely as a result. I feel fortunate to have survived.

You're not going to like hearing this, but I would have done it again, even knowing what I do now. By the time I went to the dermatologist for CNA, my self-esteem was such a complete wreck that I'm sure I would have dunked my face in a tub of sulfuric acid if she'd told me it would get rid of my acne and make my skin look normal. What I would have done differently, like I said, was seek counseling before starting the drug, so that someone would be able to recognize the signs and help me when my mental health got completely out of control.

Another extremely important thing to know about isotretinoin is that if you are a person who is capable of becoming pregnant, you must go through a program called "iPLEDGE" in order to receive medication. You will be given a booklet, which I believe is about 50 pages long, and will have to study it and take a blood test, pregnancy test, and an exam about birth control methods every month before your prescription will be released to you.  By the way, those who cannot become pregnant will have to take a blood test every month anyway, to check cholesterol levels. So if you can't handle needles, this treatment is not for you.


I kept the booklet to show to friends and explain what I went through, so here's a photo of the cover.

I had conflicted feelings about the birth control tests. After reading the book, I totally understand and agree that using two methods of birth control consistently while on this drug is necessary for people who engage intercourse which could result in pregnancy. Here is a photo from inside the booklet which demonstrates what is likely to happen to a fetus which is exposed to isotretinoin.

My issue was that, as I explained to my dermatologist, I was not having sexual intercourse with men, and I had no intention of doing so. I was only dating women at the time, and had zero interest in men sexually. My dermatologist did not seem moved to sympathy in the slightest, and simply told me that on the test I would mark that my birth control choice was "abstinence." Every month, in addition to the government required test, she would ask me to verbally confirm that I was continuing to use my choice of "abstinence," and look at me in a way that I interpreted as skeptical. This experience was incredibly degrading and humiliating for me, especially because I had to go through this for a total of 8 months (one pregnancy-free month had to be achieved before being prescribed, and one follow up visit after the 6 month of treatment), and because of my fragile mental health state. I felt that my orientation was disrespected and I felt slut shamed. But I endured, because I desperately wanted clear skin.

Other than all of those possibly fatal side effects, you will very likely experience some uncomfortable side effects in the course of treatment. Basically, your skin is going to be constantly peeling off in sheets, which isn't that uncomfortable physically, but it might make you self-conscious. Your lips will also crack and peel constantly, so you will use tubs of lip balm, and it might be a little bit painful at times. Your vision at night will totally suck, dudes. Avoid being outside when the sun goes down unless you have someone to drive you or even walk around with you, because you might trip and fall on your face. Bring a flashlight with you.

I'm not going to show you before and after photos. This is because I don't want someone who is on the fence about this treatment, because they believe they might experience severe side effects, to see my photos and decide to go through with the treatment regardless of the harm. I think anyone with CNA should spend some time seriously considering if this is worth it for themselves, and take actions to be responsible with their overall health if going through with it. Please be sure that you have a support network of family, friends, counselors, etc in place and do lots of self-care.

So that is basically what I have to tell you. I could tell you some horror stories I'd read about on acne forums, but I don't want to scare you with things that I don't have any personal experience or proof of. In any case, I hope that this post will reach people thinking about using this treatment. Thanks for reading.

Portrait of Andrea

Here's an acrylic portrait I painted yesterday of my friend Andrea. She commissioned a painting, and since portraits are what I do best, I thought I'd play it safe.

Andrea and I met at CalArts, CSSSA, and shared a dorm. Point of interest: Andrea recently shared with me that one of our suite-mates is now a renowned fashion designer, who outfitted Lady Gaga and her back up dancers. CalArts really does produce some talented people, and we both felt blessed to have been at CSSSA as teens. I would love to go there again and be surrounded by fascinating people doing brilliant things.

Andrea is in law school, at Hastings, which is one of the top 50 law schools. Isn't that awesome?!

My first Youtube video! DIY Ripped Tights

Revenge

Is living well the best revenge, or is revenge the best revenge? Talk amongst yourselves.

My thoughts on The 69 Eyes

I first heard The 69 Eyes in 2005, back when I was obsessed with the band HIM and decided to learn about Finland and popular Finnish music. When I first heard this band, I thought they were cheesy and boring. I listened to a few songs and promptly forgot about them for a couple of years.

Then in 2007, I went to a Cradle of Filth concert (this is quickly becoming an embarrassing music confessional), and The 69 Eyes were opening for them. I rolled my eyes when they came on stage and quickly sat down in a corner of the Roseland theater, arms crossed, for their set. Turns out, I was so wrong about them! The 69 Eyes blew me away with their performance. Their sound was so clean and clear. I had expected that the sound on their albums was overproduced, like The Doors for example, but their live sound was exactly like their recording. They also had great stage presence, and were all around impressive.

Their albums recorded between 1997 to 2007 are really the highlight of their career in my opinion. I love all six albums from that era, which is really saying something about the quality of the band! Not all bands can boast a decade of consistent work. The previous albums don't do much for me, as they are a bit too glam metal and machismo. I also, so far, don't like their two most recent albums, though I couldn't give you a logical reason at this point. I suppose that they just sound too commercial for my taste.

Perhaps the reason I love that '97-'07 period so much is because of the heavy influence Sisters of Mercy had on their music. Some of their songs really do sound like they could have been on a Sister's album, partly because of Jyrki 69's vocal style. I also, obviously, love the darkly romantic themes.

Target Haul

Normally, I wouldn't be into posting my haul from a big box store. I don't usually shop at big box stores and try to do as much of my purchasing as possible at used/thrift stores, by swapping with other people, or local shops.
The choice to go to Target was mainly driven by my need for a Crock Pot, and after browsing online and coming across an awesome brocade pattern Crock Pot, I HAD to go in and buy one! While I was there I got a few other very inexpensive things, and was pleased to see that they had some cheap Halloween odds and ends out, which I snapped up.

A pumpkin timer! I've needed a timer for a long time, so I was pleased that they were selling these $3 pumpkin timers. By the way, I LOVE brocade, to the point that I would recommend anyone who is buying me a gift and doesn't know what my taste is should look for brocade patterns.

The spiderweb rug was $3! Obviously I had to buy it. I also got some liquid eyeliner and a huge black eyeshadow stick for $1 each. I buy a lot of cheap eyeliner because I go through buckets of it. The tights were on sale, so I got them for $3 - $5, down from $10 - $12! Hells yeah. I'm going to make arm warmers out of the footless tights, and I might use one of the other pairs to make a video tutorial on ripped tights.

Bat Moon Painting

I painted this a couple of weeks ago. This is the first thing that I've painted in about a year, which is a huge amount of time to go without painting, for someone like me who has painted almost every day for about 20 years. I was inspired to paint this after visiting a local vintage shop and seeing some mid-century paintings, which included many abstract forms, flowing into and overlapping each other. Paintings inspired by Kandinsky and Picasso, for the most part.

I also want to start painting things that are more surreal and symbolic than my usual stuff. Portraits are what I have the most skill and experience painting, but I think branching out could be worthwhile and help me develop and reinvigorate my imagination.

The moon and the bat are the symbols I was incorporating, though I suppose you could say that fog, mist, or perhaps clouds are a prominent symbol here (but I won't explore that). The moon is symbolic of many things, such as cycles of time, regeneration, mystery, fertility. The bat also has many symbolic connotations, such as intuition, dreams and luck. Looking at art which relies on symbols can be a meditative experience, and I'm interested in juxtaposing symbols to see what the effect might be for viewers.

What do you think of when you see a bat and a moon together? Please leave Batman out of this.

Thoughts About Apoptygma Berzerk "Deep Red" (Official Music Video)

"Deep Red" is my favorite Apoptygma Berzerk track, even though I think it's problematic. This is the first AB song that I heard, when I was 17 years-old and sometimes naive about the lyrical content of music. I'm 25 years-old now, and I see things differently. It definitely bothers me that the song seems to be about a man's sexual fetish for cutting women. Lyrics such as,

I want you to explain your feelings for me
The blade on your skin is what matters to me

and

The knife cuts through her skin
and your heart starts beating faster

make me feel that the song is about objectifying women, and deriving sexual pleasure from physically harming them.

After watching the video, I suppose one could interpret the song as a reflection of the fears of some young women. The video features a couple of young girls in long white night dresses, who don't seem to be sexualized in any particular way; therefore, you could argue that the song is about the terror a young girl might feel if she's told that she is vulnerable to being attacked in her sleep. I think that's kind of a thin argument though, given that the perspective of the song is that of the attacker. Ultimately, the use of young girls is more accurately about infantilizing women, given the content of the song.

Sexualization of feminine terror and victimization of women is a common theme in slasher films. It hardly seems worth devoting an argument to, as I doubt that I would have anything new to contribute to the discourse, but if you're curious you can easily find many different articles devoted to the subject, such as Horror Week 2011: The Sexiness of Slaughter: The Sexualization of Women in Slasher Films, or an excellent book I would recommend is The Dread of Difference: Gender and The Horror Film. I realize that this is a song and not, in fact, a slasher film, but the culture of slasher films is relevant to the song or to any horror-themed music. It's all very tied to rape culture, which is about using power to oppress others.

Sounds like a cop-out, but I actually do like the song because it is danceable. The lyrics could have been about another type of creepy blood experience, maybe something like menstruation or something Carrie-esque, or even about self-harm for that matter, and I would have been happier. Could have been about fuzzy bunnies and I still would have danced to this song. I can live with some cognitive dissonance, and so I still love the song even though I view it through a feminist lens. Heck, my blog address was inspired, in part, by "Deep Red."

NB: I am not trying to suggest that I think AB condone violence. I am merely making observations about the content of one of their songs.